Ima Changin'

It seems that my daily struggle of being a good parent to my children, though dominating my thoughts, gets little face time on this particular blog. To me, that is strange because of is prominence in my thoughts...

 

Precious little brings the kind of fear into my life as the thought of not being able to mold my children into the kind of adults that they should be. The kind that see other people, act on their own judgment with confidence and conviction but follow a higher calling. The kind of person that cannot be explained easily but stand for something bigger than themselves.

 

It is hard to make and mold another human being. Let me take that back, hard is not even touching the intensity...

 

Not only is our family working within its own weaknesses to incorporate a fully functional eight year old (originally non-English speaking) child into its inner circle, we are fighting to keep the first two children connected and involved. It would be easy to focus completely on Jacie. The situation definitely could call for it. Yet, how does that happen when there are other children in the house? It doesn't. The focus must be split and edifying to all of the children. Thus the most important and most terrifying task of my life is revealed. I must multitask my way through the throes of all three children's childhoods in a way that successfully helps them find their place in the world.

 

Jacie struggles with finding her identity. She is lashing out to many of those in our extended family. It is difficult to watch and explain. I, quite simply, do not know why she doesn't want to speak to people that she enjoyed just a week ago. Yet, I know it is important to give her the space to (perhaps) grieve in her own way. It has only been three months...

 

There are many times, everyday, that I wonder what is going through her head. She seems to be in the constant state of comparison. Which makes sense to me but is difficult to explain. If everything is not focused solely on her, she struggles. If everything is focused on her, she struggles. What a conundrum for her. The interesting thing about this whole deal is that she really doesn't hurt my feelings and none of this is written out of hurt or misunderstanding.

 

Having said that and sounding rather pious, I would like to go on record saying that I do get frustrated and my reactions leave a lot to be desired at times. She can push my buttons rather quickly but most of our misunderstandings are over little annoyances. She can blow all of my control with her constant, "Ma...ma...ma" That is where I struggle the most...dealing with the young antics.

 

The boys are still not sure exactly what their roles are in Jacie's life. She is not a baby or toddler. Of course, if you have been reading this regularly, you know that she is eight. Eight is a force to be reckoned with. She is enough behind them in age to be considered 'younger' but close enough to be considered a threat. I am confident that given time, wisdom for the boys will follow. I do worry about them having the patience to ride the emotional roller coaster to the end though. It is at the end that one can clearly see the up and downs, not during the ride. If they were to shut themselves off emotionally in the act of protecting themselves, they would be very difficult to bring back out...

 

Having said that, we are weaving a new pattern for our family out of the old fabric of our lives. We are rich, greatly rewarded and have the confidence to pull each other together for the good. I believe that Jacie is such a intricate part of lives and family and that God wrote her so clearly into our lives...we will be successful with such utter completeness where we stop and she starts will blur, begin to fade and eventually disappear completely.

 

Pray for our family as we walk the path that can be eloquently in Jacie's own special words, "Ima Changin.'" Right now it is the story of all of our lives. We are changing every day.

 

Angie