Orphan to CHOSEN in a Matter of a Few Seconds

As I flit through my Facebook page that I have sorely neglected today, I see all types of causes. Things that people want me to step up behind. They want me to support childhood cancer research, breast cancer awareness, coalitions against child abuse, abortion, mistreatment of others in any form- all important things. It is difficult to know where to put passion these days. Yes, I am in support of cancer research, I would love to see its sickly tentacles completely annihilated from this earth. I also believe that all life has value- from the womb to the elderly. I am against abuse of all sorts. So why do I get so overwhelmed by the massive amount of evil and sickness that seems to pervade in our world today. I merely skim through my feed and I see ten different places that need my money, time or support and they are all very good things. How does a person deal with the massive need to help without the ability to fix any of it??

That is the most difficult thing for me to understand in the world that we live in. I have a platform. I tout my stuff. I blog about my cause- adoption of orphans. I only hope that a handful of people are reading. I am only blogging one cause of many. Sometimes the thought that I am really only dropping a tiny drip into an insurmountable wrong breaks my heart. There are so many worthy causes for people to read about, step in and make changes; how can I ask you to look at the heart of the orphan? The one battle that matters the most to my heart.

I have adopted two 'orphans'. Two of millions. In the scheme of the whole picture- that is nothing.

Yet, the two I have are mine. They are not orphans anymore. I cannot tell you grateful that I am that I serve a God that tugged my heart in the direction of two random kids. There is nothing special about the two kids that I call my own, except that I call them my own. That takes them from a status of orphan to CHOSEN in the matter of a few seconds. Yeah, that is my cause. To take the story of my humble little family out to the masses. Maybe someone, somewhere will see something they like. Maybe they will say, "Yes, I could do that. I could make a life in that way."

God has been so gracious to my family. He has given me grace where I have fallen short in parenting (many, many areas.) He has chosen my family to walk through life in a unique but powerful way. There is no concrete reason for this. I am not worthy to carry the burden. I fail often. Yet, somehow, in God's mercy he has allowed me to walk this journey. Humbling, really.

About once a day, I think about the other children in Jacie's 'group'. All of the children that attended the adoption camp that she was in. She was the first child to be chosen from that group (we were told.) Within twelve hours of being posted on the national listing, Jacie was put on hold by Bart and I. We were not looking to adopt. She was a little under-represented (very little information, no videos.) Yet, God chose to move in a way that allows me hope. She is an amazing fit in our family. Is she perfect? Uhmmm...

No.

Am I?

Of course.

Those of you who know me know that is not even close to accurate. Yet, God chose both of us. Interesting, huh?

I know that there are kids from Jacie's adoption group that are still waiting. It has been over 4 years since we brought Jacie home- over 5 1/2 years since we started this process and KIDS ARE STILL WAITING. Jacie has had 4 major surgeries, learned English, traveled to many states, gotten braces, celebrated Christmas. She has lived. Yet, some of the children that she played with daily STILL WAIT. That is why I blog. That is why I tell our story. To make adoption accessible to you. So everyone can see that Bart and I are just humans who have answered a call on our lives and somehow God has pieced together something beautiful from it.

Tonight I pray for the children that are waiting. They are the beacons in the night. They are the fuse that ignites the passion in my heart. Thanks for stopping in- may your holidays be blessed.

~Camo Pants

One of my favorite pictures of the kids from our trip to California.
What kind of mother would get a kick of making her kids pose under this sign, one may ask...?
Me!

 

Uhmmm...

She loves her swimming

Backstroke seems to be what she is pretty good at
but doesn't care for...Funny how life is like that.

At this exact second Jacie is on top of Bart, wrestling him to the ground. She is 82 pounds dripping wet, he is a little more than that... We will see how this turns out.

She is such a corker and a very active playmate. I said to Bart yesterday, "The boys seem to be set on a direction for their lives. Loren into engineering and Jared in ministry. What do you think Jacie will become?"

His response... "A Chinese Assassin."

"Uhmmm..."

Too funny. She is always 'attacking' him. Jumping out from behind corners. Sneaking across the floor. It's actually pretty funny to watch the creative ways that she comes up with.

She is in an odd spot right now- between a little girl and young woman. I think that it is difficult for her to understand all of the life changes that are occurring but she is a trooper and seems to take things head-on. She has always been a fighter. I love that about her.

I continue to search out places for my book. Is there a market for adoption memoirs? My searching says no but my heart says yes. I feel that God has a plan for Jacie's life that far surpasses my understanding. For that reason, I will continue to search out literary agents and publishers until I find the one that is looking for us. Jacie has such an amazing story to tell and I relish the thought of being an ambassador of it. If one person would consider adopting because of our story, with all of its ups and downs, then I will know the reason behind the burning passion that is my heart to tell her story. To make the children who wait real for those who read this non-descript blog. Perhaps a difference can be made?

I bask in my role in all of my children's lives. I have been given the gift of being at home with them, schooling them and praying for them. The latter is the most important. May I be faithful.

Thanks for stopping in. May your day be blessed.

Camo Pants

Jacie and Bart at the Santa Anita Park, LA
She sure loves her dad.

An Almost Teenager

It is hard to believe that my home now has two teenagers and an almost teenager. Where has the time gone? With Jacie, it seems as though we were just stepping off the plane in Chicago and now she is nearing her 'teen' years. People often tell me that they feel like Jacie has been here so much longer than 4 years. I think it is the other way. I feel as though the time has moved so swiftly that I am running behind it in hopes to savor even a second of her childhood before it slips away. I am sure that I mentioned she has braces on her teeth now- she is NOT a fan of the braces or me because I insisted that she get them. Her teeth were termed by the orthodontist as severe. I knew the minute that I saw her on the curb of that dusty road that she would need a lot of dental care.

I continue to attempt to write her book. It is difficult to find the time to sort through the 200,000 words I have written in this blog and narrow it down to 50,000. I have made a blog book of all that was written and all of the pictures that have been posted since the day that I met her. I enjoy picking through the book and remembering the time that has passed. She enjoys looking as well.

She went to the orthopedic doctor this week for her check-up. We really appreciate her doctor. He is young and smart and appears to really enjoy Jacie. He was the first doctor to meet her in America and we followed him when he left the original practice. Going to see him is like visiting a family member. He has studied and followed her case with such precision.

She is back into her swimming season. Swimming is an incredible exercise for her. She and I went to Grand Rapids for a meet last week and met an awesome athlete. Her name is Elizabeth and she was born in a foreign country. She only has one leg (I am not sure when her other one was amputated- before America or in her birth country.) Elizabeth is a United States Para-Olympian. She swam in Beijing and won a bronze in at least one event. Jacie and I were excited to meet and talk with her. We are considering putting Jacie in some para-Olympian  style events. As Jacie is paralyzed from the knees down and has a neuromuscular disorder and hip dysplasia. We will have to wait and see if this all comes to pass in Jacie's future.



I am blessed everyday to know this girl. She is a beautiful person who fills my heart daily.

Camo Pants

Anyone Looking for a Free Rabbit?

It is amazing to me how quickly this year has flown by. Summer came and went before I had the time to kick back and enjoy the break. Jacie did summer swimming this year. She really enjoys her time in the water and has taken to swimming both the summer and winter seasons. We are right on the edge of starting the fall/winter swimming season. It floors me how quickly these seasons run together. There is a part of me that would like to roll a couple of these minutes up and pocket them for later. In between all of our time spent at the pool, Jacie has been raising rabbits, goats and her horse. She adores spending time outdoors with her animals. She got very attached to her 'market' rabbits this year. So attached, in fact, that we ended up bringing them home with us. I'd laugh but the thought of those six rabbits living the next 7 or 8 years in the lap of luxury could actually bring tears to my eyes. Suffice it to say, "She will not be raising market rabbits again."

Anyone looking for a free rabbit? We have extra.

You can see by the picture that Jacie now has braces on her teeth. This was a big deal. She did not handle things like that very well. The thought made her panic. She has a difficult time accepting change and tends to fight it. Time has passed though and she is okay- just like her mama said. We will see how she swims with all of that metal and paraphernalia in her mouth. She cannot even close her lips. I would think that would make her suck water...? I guess time will tell. If she sinks to the bottom of the pool from all of the extra weight in her mouth or holds water and goes under- I hope someone takes the pool skimmer and fishes her out.

She would not find any humor in this blog. I can just hear her, "Mom, why do you tell everyone everything?" Insert a sigh and slight eye role. Yes, she is 12. Hard to believe that in 6 months she will be a teenager.

Doesn't seem fair that time moves so swiftly sometimes. I only hope that this blog will help me remember all of those precious times.

Thanks for stopping in~

Camo Pants

Quietly Slips Away

Tonight I was surfing the Internet and stumbled on an amazing blog about adoption. A blog that shows the daily life and heart of a family that chose to step out of their comfort zone and embrace the unknown. I read back through the posts. I laughed. I cried. I really loved to experience the journey...again.

It was my blog. My journey. My writing. Having stepped away for the past nine months, I missed coming here. I missed remembering. So I am back. I will write more. I will focus on my book without leaving this blog unattended.

For those who are just starting to follow this blog, my daughter Jacie was adopted from the China Special Needs Program in 2010. She was 8 years old at the time. She came with severe club feet and other major orthopedic issues. Since then, we have laughed, loved and cried our way to today. She now can claim 12 full years on the calendar of her life. It is truly amazing how quickly time moves.

Jacie has grown and developed into the amazing young woman that God intended her to be. She has a family, hopes and dreams. She has my heart, Bart's heart and the hearts of her brothers.

Jacie has really taken to swimming. She is getting pretty good. It is difficult for her to kick because she is essentially paralyzed from the knees down. That coupled with the fact that her legs are fused to her feet. She has no ankle or heel bones. So all of her kicking is done off her hips which are displaced. So comparing her to her peers is nearly impossible. We are looking into Para Olympics competitions though. As she loves to compete and has a lot of strength off her shoulders which allows her to be a fairly strong swimmer.

 

She simply enjoys swimming and is a joy to watch. The funny thing is that she had never swam before she came to our family. I remember her in the pool in China, lying on the deck and pretending that she was drowning so Bart would drag her out again. She was so little and cute and SOOO much work back then.

 

This pic was taken in July of 2010, about 5 weeks after she came to America.

 

 

School is a different story though...

 

When we were adopting Jacie, I was told by several people that she would be almost completely fluent within 6 months of coming to America. That was not the case for her. She has struggled with her grasp of the English language and remains firmly (after 4 years) rooted at about 75% fluent. I can think of nothing that will boost her the final 25%. She can speak well but comprehension remains difficult. Reading has not come easy for her and we are now thinking that she has some dyslexia. She is definitely smart and terribly witty. Yet, I feel as though she translates things to Chinese still in order to understand them or she sometimes misses things completely. I keep thinking that I am not doing enough to open the world to her. She is trying hard but still likes to play more than work.

 

Makes me tired just thinking about it...zzz...zzzz...zzzz

 

Life goes on quickly and quietly it slips away. Thanks for taking the time to stop in on mine.

 

Camo Pants 

Her Face Will Shatter My Heart

I am excited!!! Its almost Christmas time. This is one of my favorite times of the year. Apart from the twinkling of the lights, the hustle and bustle and the good food- I often reflect on the birth of a Savior who came to redeem. That makes the hard things in life seem so trite.

As I get older, I find that I do not need all of the gifts. There is so little that I have to have in order to be happy. My children make me happy. I look into the face of each of them and say a prayer of thanks. I have been given much more than I deserve. My life is nothing special. I am as human as people come. I make mistakes. I choose the wrong path. But God still blesses me- daily. He gives me great gifts. Why? If I got what I deserved...

Jacie is one of my greatest blessings. She continues to grow and get smarter everyday. I cannot place how I came about having her in my life. If you would have asked me [even] five years ago, I would have never thought that she and I would be living this journey. God is so much bigger than I ever thought. He has plans for my life that exceed my expectations daily. May I live each day that I am given to its fullest not focusing on the people and things that push into my life and try to steal my joy.

Jacie continues to wear a walking boot. It should come off next week but I am not certain that foot is quite right. I do not think that it is getting proper circulation. I am scared that she is going to need to have her foot broken and reset. That is such a painful ordeal. I do not look forward to looking into her precious face and telling her if it is needed. The tears that will well up in her eyes and find their way down her face will shatter my heart. I am not certain how much more I can take in this realm. She begs to not have these surgeries done but something is wrong with that leg- pray for her. I must note that I am musing here, I have not talked to her dr. concerning this. My heart just tells me something isn't right.

She is swimming in the winter swim club. She really loves to be in the water. It is hard to believe that she had never swam before we met her. She remains an incredible 'water baby.' I am a little afraid of the swim club because it seems as though it could be hard to find a niche in but for my swimmer I will put aside my uncomfortable 'ness' and ignore as much as possible. I think that coupled with a God that has my back- Jacie will have a great season!

I will try to attach a pic again. I haven't been able to for awhile.

God bless you as you walk your journey-

Camo Pants

An Extra Large Foot

My daily blog posts turned into weekly posts which turned into bi-weekly until recently- it has become the monthly blog post :(

BUT I am here now. So I must take the time that I have and use it wisely. My time seems so precious now. Jacie is swimming in the swim club, doing 4-H and attending homeschool classes. Her brothers are each in different driver's education classes, active in FFA and youth group and fully ensconced in their sophomore year. It is a little crazy around here but what's the difference, right?

Jacie is currently in a walking cast. This has not brought joy into her life. She views her cast as a prison and suffers 'not so silently...' It appears that she has a stress fracture or tendinitis or...? It is so difficult to figure out with her because of the position of her feet. Because of their set position, her feet are always sore and stressed but for the last couple of weeks, she has been in serious pain. I attributed it to arthritis. Though a little early, I figured that the weather changes were affecting her. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do to relieve her pain. Medications did nothing. Rubbing it increased her misery. So off we went to see her favorite foot doctor. He is such a delight to meet with. He did some x-rays and checking and could see that it was swollen but did not find anything concrete. There could be a stress fracture hidden or muscular issues. We just don't know so she will lug around an extra large foot for the next 4 weeks.

Picture a little Chinese girl doing a celebratory dance. Not so much.

Picture that same child complaining, groaning and trying to get out of wearing it.

The latter is correct :(

Remember Jacie as she continues to learn how to live within the realm of her own abilities.

I am blessed.

Camo Pants

I am Living the Happy Life

I think that my little princess is growing. She always wants to sleep. Eats like a farm hand. Whines like a girl. And is just starting to find a streak of acne across her forehead.

This seems early. Granted, she is 11 years old but to me she is a little over 3. It is hard to believe that Jacie has only been here for 3 yrs. She is such a part of our hearts and life- It seems like forever. I think that it is harder for her though. Yesterday, as she and I were driving, she said, "I was looking at your pictures and you guys had a lot of fun before I came."

I replied, "Yes, we did but we have had a lot of fun with you as well."

"Yeah, I know."

I could hear the wistfulness in her voice as she processed the facts. There is no way to change the fact that she came to our family at the age of 8 and her brothers were 12. That means that Loren had 12 years of memories and Jared had 10 (he was adopted at the age of 2 from US foster care.) Unfortunately, life is like that. I cannot explain that while she was struggling, we were actively pursuing life with our family unaware that she would join us. That life did carry on without her presence. I can only tell her that when she came- life got that much sweeter. That our family was changed by her presence and that we would never desire another picture without her smiling face in it. That is all I have to give her at this point. Hopefully it is enough.

I can also tell her that her time in China formed her. It made her who she is today. She has life where hers was hard. She has mobility where there was none. She has love.

Jacie's story is one of amazing people. She was left in an orphanage to die. Saved by a proud Chinese rice picker's wife. Nursed back from severe nutritional deficit. Overcame a late surgery to master walking by the age of 6. Was removed from the only family she knows. Spent 2 years in a Chinese orphanage. Was removed from the orphanage. Met a white family for the first time. Flew 19 hours home with them. Learned their language. Learned their customs. Had major orthopedic surgery. Learned to walk all over again. Had major orthopedic surgery again. Learned to walk again. Learned to ride a bike. Learned to read a book. Learned. Learned. Learned.

My guess is she is tired. Yet, she said to me last night, "I am living the happy life."

Yes, dear girl. You are.

So am I.


~Camo Pants


I continue to work format on Jacie's book. Hopefully it will come out in the Spring.

Her Hand in Mine

Jacie has been a busy, busy girl. It is amazing to watch her flit from thing to thing like a 'normal' 11 year old girl. It would be impossible for an outsider to recognize that she has only been stateside for 3 years. Even I find it hard to believe and I have been by her side this whole journey.

We had a great fair. For those of you who do not know us- our family is very involved in 4-H which fills our summers with activities and culminates in that one week. It is crazy, hard and a lot of work. Yet, we love it. Jacie loves it. She showed two different horses, three goats, one chicken and three rabbits. That's a lot of showing. She is quite the showman though and cannot imagine giving up any of those animals next year. She also got very good news. It seems that when she competed for the horse royal court back in July, she was elected reserve princess. The results are not made public until the awards program at the end of fair so for two straight months, she was on pins and needles to find out if she won. She did! Essentially, she got 2nd place in the competition which entailed an interview, written test and a performance with your horse. Amazing really! She is thrilled. She walks around saying, "Princess coming...make way. Make way for the princess."

The day after fair, she had her 6th surgery since coming to America. She was very disappointed to have to have another one. The morning of the surgery she said, "Ma, I am going to run away so you can't find me and take me to the hospital."

That made my heart break. Of course, I didn't tell her. My response was something like, "Oh, shoot. I'll miss you but if you have to go..."

It is difficult to deal with the emotional part of having that many surgeries. My nurture side wants to feel sorry for her but my wiser side pushes me to help her deal without the pity. I know that will be of value to her for the rest of her life but sometimes it is hard to remember.

I continue to step out of where I am and look in amazement at this little girl that God has placed into my life. I am blessed everyday to live life with her hand in mine.

~Camo Pants

Pretty Cool, I Would Say

I should not be up and blogging right now- We have an incredibly busy weekend which starts bright and early tomorrow morn but I cannot resist. I have neglected this part of my heart for long enough. I truly love to blog. It is like having a conversation with the many people that surround my and Jacie's life. I miss it when it does not occur, which is the norm right now.
You have missed so much, I am not certain where to start. First, Jacie is well. She is getting tall. She is turning into quite a young lady. She can still argue with the boys, wrestle like a bear and fight like a ninja but I see little bits of girl poking through. All of her toughness gives way when she sees little kittens or hears stories of people in pain. She has a beautiful heart.

This summer she has been very busy swimming, riding her horse AND riding her bike. This is an amazing thing for her. She rode only with training wheels last year and now she is riding around without that assistance, like a pro. She is even trying to teach herself how to ride without any hands. Pretty cool I would say. When she began riding, she had to manually pick her leg up and put it on her bike pedal. Now she begins riding without that step. Her hip and leg are getting stronger!! YAY!! She saw Dr. Nowicki yesterday. He loves that she is riding her bike and encouraged her to continue to do that, swim and ride her horse- all GREAT alternatives to therapy. As a homeschooling mom, I am used to creatively making important things happen for my kids. Now I just see it as home 'therapy'. Plugging Jacie in where she can get the most benefit for her physical and meeting her emotional and social needs as well. I never dreamed that I would be doing what I do everyday but it is an amazing journey. Jacie's feet, legs and hips will always have issues. It is just the way things are going to be but I can help her to stay active and able for as long as possible (I'm shooting for her whole life but hey, why not?)

She does carry daily soreness. I wish that I could lessen it for her. I cannot. I rub her feet. I rub her legs but they are still fused. They do not move. Muscles atrophy. It is the way of life. Here is what I can change. I can change her perspective. I can help her to see that the world around her has a lot to offer and all she needs to do is to go out and grab on to life. I can help her to get the best services. Then I can end those services when their helpfulness has ceased. Most of all I can teach her to live in the world happily, healthily and with great vigor The latter is definitely not an issue. She is an amazing testimony to what personality and strength can give a person. I am blessed everyday to walk with her.

Remember her as she will go in for her 2nd orthopedic surgery this year in about 2 1/2 weeks. She is not charmed to say the least.

Camo Pants

Sorry no pictures- blogger is being a brat tonight.

She is My Foot Rubber

I wonder tonight how long I will continue to blog Jacie's journey. When do we arrive at the 'enough is enough' station? I have been blogging about her journey for over three straight years. Granted, I have slowed down since the inception but perhaps others are getting bored of me saying. "Jacie is well. Jacie is growing. Jacie is..."

Sometimes I think that I should move on. Close the blog, write the book and be done. Yet, how does one write a book while raising a very active family? How do I carve out the time? Is it worth the sacrifice that it will take to complete it? Perhaps no one wants t read another story of another adoption. So I blog on, in hopes that someday I will write the book. That others will want to read it. That the God that I serve can be glorified through the telling of Jacie's story. She has such an amazing one.

Jacie showed horses last weekend. She was so tired. I should not have made her do it because she had just gotten home from camp and then spent a day up at MSU for the boys to compete. She had no concentration. Yet, she sure looked cute. That was about all that she had going for her :)


She continues to desire to read. I read to her a lot. She loves to read about fairies and princesses...and superman and batman...and ninjas and pirates. Yup, there is just a little bit of girl mixed into this full-blown tomboy. I tell you what. I am a tomboy at heart and still cannot even come close to this gal. She is so happy and content in her role as a young ninja/superhero. She loves to wrestle and argue. She is in her muck boots more than any other shoe. Her hair really needs a style instead of mop top :) She is so distinctly herself, I wouldn't change a thing (though I have been tempted with the mop that she calls hair.) I cannot tell who this person has become in my life because I am not certain myself. She is so interwoven throughout all the facets of my life that I am not sure I could separate it out.
She is my daughter.

She is my friend.

She is my girl power partner.

She is my ninja princess.

She is my reading buddy.

She is my foot rubber (when I can convince her to.)

She is my heart.

I thank God daily for the role that she fills in my life and pray that I can give her half of what I desire for her (and her brothers.)

She is my blessing.

~CP

Life Without Training Wheels

Ugghhh... I just sat down and typed a very informative, very long post about our lives, Jacie's life and summer activities. Then I promptly hit the wrong button and CANCELLED IT ALL!!! So now I sit trying to recoup my amazing expression of words- shoot!

I think I said something about our family was busy, just like every other family out there. Crazy busy...just like everyone. We ride horse 2-3 times a week. Feed the growing number of 4-H projects that 'litter' the fields surrounding our house. We work every day. Yet, as I stood looking at our amazing and wonderful summer activities, I noticed that a couple of things were missing. I will list them in order of importance- swimming, swimming and swimming. Summer offers the only time of year that we Michiganders can swim and our family rarely can find the time to indulge in that activity. I decided that was going to change. We have not had the time to swim for many summers because of the many activities that have taken up residence in our lives and the surgeries that Jacie has had every year since she came. Having said that, she did have her yearly orthopedic surgery but it was minor compared to her past surgeries- two weeks and she was up and walking well. I think that even she was surprised. That is when I realized that my water baby needed to swim, swim and swim- all summer long. So I have made it a priority. It has been very fun. Jacie loves to swim and it is very good for her body. Now that she is not in therapy, I am trying to plug her into things that are fun and will fill the gap.

She is also finally getting the chance to ride her bike WITHOUT TRAINING WHEELS! Can you tell that I am excited? This is something that I have prayed for. It is very difficult for her to do because she is paralyzed from the knees down. What I didn't know was that her ankles are not really fused- they have been removed. She has no ankle bones or heel bones. Her leg bones are simply fused to her feet. This gives them no mobility. Yet, she is learning to ride a bike with no aids. Continue to remember her. She is very afraid of falling.

Jacie struggles with fear in many areas of her life. She lies awake at night thinking (way too much!) It does not surprise me. In the course of her 11 years, she has been orphaned, almost died, been fostered, had major reconstructive surgery on both legs and feet, lost her foster parents of over 5 1/2 years, lived in an orphanage for 2 years, been adopted, moved to a foreign country, learned a new language, had  major hip and leg surgery, had major leg surgery, had minor leg surgery...

I'm sure you're getting the idea. So if she struggles going to sleep because she thinks that the wind is going to blow the house down or the boogie monster is living in the next room (I'm sure he is in the form of her older brother)- who am I to be surprised? This kid has walked through the fire. The recent installment of a small television on the top of her bookshelf and a couple of strategically placed movies have helped her to self-pacify. Amazing. I wish I would have thought of it about 3 years ago. Don't worry, she isn't one to watch tv all night and not sleep. She just needs the chance to watch if she needs to. Television is something that has been standard for her throughout. She uses it to regulate herself. I am teaching her to use it for her benefit but monitor herself.

She is an amazing. This journey, though difficult, is incredible. I am learning everyday. For that I am grateful.

~Camo Pants

Adoption is Beautiful

I lie here on the sofa, watching PBR (hey, I'm a farm-girl, what can I say?) and blogging again. One might say that after all of the talking that I did yesterday, I would find the need to be quiet. Nope. That is where this blog has come in handy. It is my outlet. It is my reflection. It offers me a place to carry a one-sided conversation where I find that I am always right. What would not be loved about that??

This weekend I had the privilege of speaking at the home school convention about our adoption experience. It was amazing. I am definitely a talker, so it was right down my alley. My session went very well. The funny thing was that I spoke about the money aspects of adoption. That is so out of my realm. I have not figured out how to handle all of the expenses that come from an international adoption yet and I am at almost 3 years in. Perhaps it is something that is never mastered? There are so many facets involved. The adoption costs themselves, the medical costs, dental costs, I could keep going. All I could do is look at these generous, loving people and say, "Hold on tight!"

I just hope that someone got a tiny bit of information that helped them understand adoption a little more fully. Then my time was well spent.

My favorite part of this weekend was meeting the people. There are so many people who have adopted, are adopting, dream of adopting or are adopted themselves. Every one of them have a story. I had the rare opportunity to see other people's hearts. Amazing. I am blessed. Here I thought all of my writing, speaking and blogging was to tell our story. Now I am beginning to think that is not so- it is to offer others the chance to share theirs. God has such neat plans. I too have learned to hold on tight~

Today is mother's day. I reflect on the history and purity that comes with the words Mother's Day and marvel at how the look of this day has changed so greatly since it started so long ago. Today, my family celebrated our mothers. There were many. We celebrated our biological mothers, adoptive mothers, stepmothers, godmothers. All under one name. Mother. Many members of my family have biological mothers that they have never met- will never meet. They too can be honored. They offered life. They made the hard decision. These same family members have adoptive mothers that they love. They are honored. My personal story includes a stepmother. I honor her. She loves my dad. She loves my kids. She loves me. That is enough. She is one of my mothers.

My adopted children struggle. There hearts are here. They love their family but they are curious. They desire to know where they come from. Who was in their corner when their lives began. Jacie will not know. She [and I] will always wonder. Hopefully God can fill the needs that she has and will have as she grows and develops. I am grateful to all the biological mothers that have offered life to the children that I love. I am convinced in the depths of my heart that if they are alive and walking the paths they have chosen, they think of the children that I am blessed to call my own. I mourn for them. Their hearts will never be fully reconciled. May God bless them with a rich peace that offers their hearts balm.

I am grateful for all that I have been given. Amidst the pain that life can offer, there is beauty. ~Adoption is beautiful~
Happy Mother's Day!

Camo Pants

My Lady-Like Sensibilities Won't Let Me Consider

I are in such a unique place in my life right now. All of my children are growing out of the I need my parents 24/7 stage. For this stay-at-home, I have dedicated my last 16 years to you solely, mom- I am not certain I like it. Let's take tonight as an example. The oldest has gone to his bedroom to go to bed (he is my early to bed, early to rise guy.) The middle child is lost somewhere in the trenches of his own room and the baby (not much of one anymore as she will be 11 on Sunday) is in her room drawing. I sit here alone. Talking to myself. Blogging to myself actually.

Jacie and I went to see Broadway's Wicked today. I was so excited. I have always worked to have culture in the kids' lives and could not wait to introduce my little girl to it. She hated it! I could tell that she was bored from the start. Then she started fiddling with her hair, shoe and anything else that wasn't nailed down. It went straight downhill from there. Suffice it to say, "I think I started too late for her."

Aww, shucks. At least I enjoyed the show. Greatly.

Jacie is a little more of a tomboy than even I was and that is saying something. She is made of sterner stuff than I as well. She does things on the farm that my lady-like sensibilities won't even let me consider. She also naturally carries a knife. She finds it handy. She is not worried about using it for defense but loves knowing that when she needs to cut into a bale of hay- she can. She is very practical minded. Perhaps that is why she was not able to grasp the musical aspects of today's performance...? Thank heavens she is such a cutie. I'm not sure that my broken heart could heal if she wasn't. She is such a piece of work. I was thinking about that today as I tried to keep her occupied through second half of Wicked.

"What have I done in my life to deserve such a gift?" That is the question that surfaces when I look into the faces of my family every day.

"Nothing. I could not have earned this, asked for it or known what I was missing without it." That is the absolute truth. I am grateful everyday that though I did not specifically ask to be where I am, God saw it in His great wisdom to place me here.

~For that I am grateful~

Camo Pants

How funny she thought it was that she held Rosy backward for this photo. Her babies are getting big and quite chubby. She is quite the little mother to them still. I thought that she would get bored.

Birthday Kisses and Wishes

                                   Jacie's first party when she got home. It was in July of 2010.
                                                       Her birthday (of course) is April.

She was so tiny.

                                                   
                                                           My 11 year old. Amazing, really~

Life is a crazy mix of chaos, confusion and busyness that keeps me away from my computer on most days. Yet, it is so beautifully good that I wouldn't have it any other way. Jacie is growing, everyday it seems. She is almost as tall as me now. Those of you who have met me know that is no big feat but I tell you what, I thought maybe with her Asian heritage she would be shorter than I~

She is very excited to celebrate her 11th birthday this week. I am excited as well because this will be her first birthday in America that she has not been in a wheelchair through it. She has been here almost three years now and is celebrating her third American birthday. How time does seem to fly~

She had an appointment with Dr. Nowicki last week. We haven't seen him since October. She had grown 1 1/2 inches in 6 months. That growth not only leveled her leg length discrepancy, it went further. Her left leg (that was originally 1 inch shorter than the right leg) is now longer than the right one. Interesting, huh? The methods to this madness are not always easy to understand for me because I have such limited knowledge but listening to the Dr. talk about it- he seems to have a handle on things. We are blessed to have a Dr. such as him managing Jacie's care. The funny thing is, Jacie has taken to ignoring him again. She tends to do that when he starts to talk about surgery. We have been through it two times previously and she treated him to the cold shoulder both of those times. Now, number three is following suit. Though I mentioned that Jacie will not be in a wheelchair through her birthday, she is looking at having another small surgery to remove one of the growth plates in her right leg in the next few months. Dr. Nowicki is leaving the other plate in for now in order to help correct the knock-knee problem that she has developed. That one will stay in for another year and then be removed. So she will have a surgery every year for the first four years in America. Ugghh....

This whole journey has been amazing. There are times that I look at all that Jacie has walked and wondered how in the world I am the one that has been blessed enough to walk with her. She is funny and smart. She makes me laugh. She makes me want to grab the world by the tail and hand deliver it to her. She is my heart. For that I am grateful.

~Camo Pants

"Dad Never Did That to Me"

I am lying on the sofa with a pair of feet stuffed in my lap. My hands are resting lightly on the legs that trap me to the sofa. And a little Chinese face is scrunched up against mine. My life is complete. I have no personal space but that is okay- I am content. I believe that she is as well. That is my goal for her. Happiness. Love. Peace. Contentment.

I love the times that we have together on a daily basis. Some of those times are hard but most are good. They are the reason that I live. Jacie is an amazing person. She has one of the kindest hearts that I have ever encountered. She loves the people that she is with. She gives repeatedly. There is rarely a time that a friend comes over without her giving them something to take home. I stand amazed at this little girl that has stolen part of my heart. I would have never guessed it to happen~

She is doing well. She took me for a 'drive' yesterday. Yeah, she was driving. The gator has become her newest passion. Her daddy taught her how to drive and she has been very excited to do it as often as possible. So yesterday she says, "Come mother. I will drive you to back of the field."

"Uhh... okay."

So here we are, driving in the fully rutted 70 acre field. She has not mastered the art of driving in the ruts so we bumped along for quite awhile. Finally I said, "Go to the left a little."

"What?"

"You need to move the gator to the left."

"Oh, okay." She jerks the steering wheel to the right.

"No, the left."

"Oh, that way..." She jerks it the other direction.

I grab the wheel and direct the gator into the already formed ruts. The gator begins to drive smoothly.

"Dad never did that to me," she says.

The constant war between mom and dad...

She is such a little farm girl. She loves to be out doing chores and spending time with her animals. The baby goats are doing okay. We continue to bottle feed them on a regular basis. She loves it. I knew that she would.

On the medical front, she is going to see Dr. Nowicki next week. I am curious if he will look to take the metal plates out of her leg. She has been asking about it. I think that they hurt. It will be good to give her the relief of not having them in. She is nearing a break in physical therapy. I am looking forward to the break because summer is so busy. It will also give me time to catch up on payment. She is looking forward to the break because she hates going in for therapy. Hopefully this is a good move. I want her to swim the summer stingrays at the community pool. A swim schedule of 2-3 times a week would be good for her body I think. We continue to stumble through this journey called life~

I am grateful for every minute.

Camo Pants

Worth It!

It is amazing how often I desire to start my posts, "It is quiet in my house and that rarely happens..." That must not be accurate because of the large number of posts that [almost] started with it!

I do sit tonight in a quiet house by myself. The kitchen is clean. The laundry is running. And I am blogging- as usual. I absolutely love these times. They give me a much needed break and reflection time. There are a million things that I should probably do but I have decided to let them wait. That is out of character for me...

Jacie is doing so great. I often look at her with the amazement that comes strictly from standing outside of the situation that I find myself in. There are so many facets of the journey that we are on that I would have never thought were possible. They are easier to identify when I sit on nights like tonight and reflect. There is so much value rendered from reflection. The impossible task that we are attempting has brought so much joy to my life- I would have never guessed that to be true. Amazing. Truly.

I am blessed.

Jacie has a new project. She has become mother to 2 bottle baby goats. It is the sweetest thing. My little ninja princess, dressing these tiny baby in dresses and bottle feeding them around the clock. Who would have thought? Certainly not China! They had her pegged as a tomboy (which is not desirable.) How wrong human perception can be. She is a fighter. She is a ninja. She makes the world around her fun. These are all traits that make her who she is. She is also desired. She is smart. She is gorgeous. But I am biased...

Tonight I go on record and say that everything that had to be sacrificed in order to bring Jacie here- WORTH IT! She has brought immeasurable joy, unexplainable insight and a facet to my life that I would have never imagined that I was missing. I give God all the glory for that~

May you be blessed this holiday weekend!

~Camo Pants

The Horrors of Such a Mother

I think the words, time flies, will accurately describe why it has been over three weeks since my last post. That and wow, are we busy. I know...I know everyone is busy but this is my blog. So I get to whine a little at my own busyness.

Jacie is doing well. She continues to grow taller and eat like a logger. I am not certain that even I (after feeding the two boys) could have imagined that a little skinny girl would offer competition for their vittles. She has out eaten me for months now. She is an expensive little chica~

She is really walking well now. It is amazing to think that she has been here 2 1/2 years and developed so far. I guess that happens when you get a child that is half-grown. She will be a teenager before I blink- I am convinced. I do love her life though. She has all of the opportunities of every other child. I am not certain that even I could have known how this journey would go. It is not an easy thing to contemplate- bringing an 8 year old non-English speaking child that has severe orthopedic issues into your lives, home and heart. Yet, it has worked. Amazing.

I must be feeling sentimental this morning. It wouldn't surprise me. It is very dreary outside. The cold has lingered on far past its welcome. The sun has visited other places (assumingly Florida.) I am dreaming about planting gardens and the sunshine on my back. Just as a side note, I do not enjoying gardening so it is a little sad that I am dreaming about planting one. I guess I will focus on pushing Jacie through her schoolwork so that when the sun shines, she and I can get out (and plant a garden if we see fit.) She is also looking forward to training her mini horse to pull a cart, raise some chicks to full size and swim in the pool that never made it up last year because her drought harried farmer father ran out of time. The summer will bring color into our cheeks and wear us out completely- just like it is supposed to.

Continue to pray for Jacie. She is looking at her third surgery since she came to America in 2010. I would love ti if we didn't have to cart a wheelchair to every horse show this summer.

I am truly blessed~

~Camo Pants

I would love to tell you that this flashback is the product of my sentiment heart but I must be honest- I just haven't taken pics of her in the last month. What kind of mother? Well, the kind that is smiling fondly at her as she lays on the sofa watching cartoons (because she is quiet) and it is almost noon here.

~The horrors of such a mother~

Jacie is No Exception

I just wanted to quickly shoot a post off to you. Unfortunately, we have no Internet for the next week so posting will be limited. The good news is that when we do rejoin the techy world, we should be faster and more affordable. I guess we will see on that one!

Jacie is involved in so many changes right now that I feel as though I am running behind her trying to keep up. She is definitely growing- wow! She has moved up to size 12 pants. She is still thin but is getting a pair of long legs on her. We have also started a new therapy on her. I believe that it is called Graston's (sp?) It involves working with her scars in order to loosen them up. I really did not know what to expect but she seems to be benefiting. She has only had one but I can see a difference in her walking. Interesting. The other thing that I have noticed in the last month or so is that she is starting to use her whole foot on her left side. She has always toe-stepped on that side- never placing her full foot on the floor. Today I watched her walk through the kitchen as correctly as I have ever seen. I wonder if it is the stretching that we are doing with her hips and feet or if her leg length is levelling? Truth, I'll bet it is a combination. It is hard to pinpoint the exact cause because there are many things that are always changing. For instance, she began swimming in December. That might be playing a part. I think that Dr. Nowicki will be very surprised at how well she is doing. I am.

On the emotional front, she appears to be on a roller coaster. Some days she is up and others a little off. I think that has to do with age as she is sneaking up on 11 years old. 11 and 12 years old are interesting times for most kids- Jacie is going to be no exception.

She is growing though and developing at a regular rate. For that I am grateful.

I am blessed everyday to know this young lady~

~Camo Pants

I Stand Amazed...Again

I thought of you, my faithful readers today as I watched my little girl walk, run and swim with such strength.All I could think is, "Man I wish that I had my computer so I could post this."

This beautiful child is learning to walk stronger with her head up. It is truly an amazing journey to witness. This morning, I noticed that she was walking on her left foot without a shoe. She never puts weight on that side without her shoe- she always toe steps. I filed what I had noticed and moved on with my day. It wasn't until later, in the pool that I thought of it again. She was swimming so well. It wasn't long ago that her left side weakness caused her to swim almost in circles. Today, she was strong and straight. Her teacher thinks that she is almost ready to start the Stringray swim team- like as soon as May. Wow! I am not certain that we can fit swim club in the summer but we will see. I think that the combination of her horseback riding, swimming and therapy has brought about the strength that I am seeing. I stand amazed.

There are so many facets to adoption. My deepest desire would be that all could understand the beauty that is found in those facets. I have so many thoughts, plans and desires that center on this realm. I must step back to ensure that I walk only in the path that I am supposed- not reacting only in passion. Sometime, I will lay out all of the thoughts and ideas that I have running through my head. Until then, I will find myself content to type my life as I watch my hopes and dreams for this little girl unfold. I am blessed that you are walking it with me.

Jacie also hit another milestone today...she read a story! I knew that she would get it. She is by no means done learning but this is a step. I am so excited for her. All of her school is going fairly well. She is getting things little by little. She still loves to have me read aloud to her. I think that she would let me do that all day if I was willing but I have to say, "I can only do Junie B Jones for so long..."

I am honored to walk this journey (even if I have to read Junie B Jones incessently.)

I am grateful~

CP